“Back when I was your age, we didn’t have blogs. We had parchment paper and we wrote on it in snail’s blood. You’d put the paper in your hat and deliver it yourself. We called them Hat Messages. You’d trade a turtle shell for a good stack of parchment paper. This was around the time we wore onions on our belts, which was the style at the time. Sometimes if your message was really good, you’d wear it in a top hat, and the mayor would greet you himself, he would. Where am I?”